Category: Dating and Relationships
Hi. I'm a 21 Year old man, and a lot of people tell me I should start dating. I always tell people I'll date someone once I find the right girl.
I'm just wondering how old were you when you first dated? we could see if anyone actually started dating at an older age than me :)
How will you know you've found the wrong girl or the right girl if you don't date them? Are you that good a judge of character that you can simply know if she's wrong or right by meeting her, without having sat down and had a conversation with her?
Unless, by dating, you mean having a girlfriend, in which case I'd agree that you need to start dating, but consider your reason a slightly more valid one. Though, I still think it is a little off the mark.
A lot of people say they want to wait for that right one to come along. However, what they don't realize is that it is the wrong ones that show us what the right one is. If we don't have a wrong to compare it to, we can't have a right. Let me see if I can give an analogy.
Lets say your mother offers you a cup of hot chocolate. "Thanks Mom," you cry as you lift the steaming mug to your lips, "My goodness, this is the best hot chocolate ever."
"But dear," your mother replies, "That is the only mug of hot chocolate you've ever had, how can you possibly know its the best. You have nothing to compare it too."
That is kind of what you're doing by saying that you are waiting for the right one. You are denying yourself valuable learning experiences. You will need those experiences when choosing the right girlfriend.
That also leads me to the question, how do you know what you want in a girl, if you've never had a girlfriend? What are you basing this decision on? You have no basis to decide what you like and what you don't, you've never experienced either.
Sure, you've had interactions with girls, and I'm sure you've picked up on a few things you don't like about people in general, but there are things you can only find out by dating someone. For example, is she the kind of girl who drops all her interests and takes up yours, or does she maintain her own life while dating you? This, and several other things, are questions that you have to learn by experience.
I strongly encourage you to go out, date a girl you find interesting, whether she's right or not. Waiting for the right one to come along is going to get you nowhere. I can garrantee you, by doing that, you will let the right one slip by without you even noticing.
Dude u first godda start dating before u find the write person.
The write person wont jus come and fall in your lap.
You godda go and find her.
Oh yeah and dont be goin around calling people fat fucken americans if u expect to find a girl. jus sayin man. work on your anger.
Oh yeah, dont call me a fat american cuz I'm canadien.
lol
I started making poor decisions in regards to males around 17. My first official relationship started just after 22, and has been going over a year now.
Personally, I see what SilverLightning is trying to say, but I disagree with the sweeping generalization.
For -most people - I stress the word most - that analogy about hot chocolate works. However, if you know what you like, and you're mature enough to see in others what's there instead of what you want to be there, it is entirely possible to find a person who's right for you without having to play the field, as it were. You are not necessarily dating for the "best", you are dating for someone that is "good enough". I don't mean that you have to settle for something sub-par, I mean that there is a level at which you will be comfortable maintaining a relationship, and if you look long enough you will probably find multiple people who hit that level. However, if you want to stay with the first person who satisfies all of your criteria, power to you.
To stay more on topic, I was seventeen when my first relationship started.
I think I was 21 or 22 the first time I dated someone.
Thank you Wolf for saving me from a long and pointless reposte to post 2.
I was 8 years old when I started dating. It was young, and not serious as a mature relationship goes, but we had fun, and it made our little eight year old selves happy. My first "real" relationship happened at 15. Before then I was a really jerky douchie child with a lot of issues. That girl helped me a lot. I've had a handfull of meaningful relationships over the years, and each of them has taught me something.
How would you possibly know what you like though? What do you have to compare it too? You can't go into a candy store, having never tasted any candy, and go, "hey look, skittles, my favorite". You have no idea. You may have some ideas based on what you've seen others do, but you have no idea. You might even be able to convince yourself that those ideas are true, but you don't know.
I don't know a single couple who never dated before they met who worked out. Not a single one.
How would you possibly know what you like though? What do you have to compare it too? You can't go into a candy store, having never tasted any candy, and go, "hey look, skittles, my favorite". You have no idea. You may have some ideas based on what you've seen others do, but you have no idea. You might even be able to convince yourself that those ideas are true, but you don't know.
I don't know a single couple who never dated before they met who worked out. Not a single one.
I was nineteen and attending te Oregon Scool for the Blind when I met my first gd. Of course dating in a residential school setting was pretty complicated, especially since she and I got in trouble with the counsellors just for holding hands and kissing when there were two other couples who got away with a lot more than we ever did or thought of doing.
I know how dating in a residential school can be. That's where I got most of the ideas in my head about how most sighted people are uncomfortable with blind people experiencing normal human desires and pleasures. I went through that myself. It wasn't fun, especially when some of the teachers got it into their heads that they had to play matchmaker for their students, and talk a bunch of shit about the couples they disapproved of when we were in earshot, but life goes on.
Anyway, I started my first relationship when I was 13. It was pretty innocent as far as relationships go, and by that I mean sexually, but it did last for a year and a half, and that guy was my best friend. We fell out of touch when I switched schools, but I still have a lot of good memories from that time.
I'm still in touch with my first girlfriend but I keep it to a minimum as much as possible because quite frankly talking to her can be extremely draining emotionally. She's completely opposed to the idea of dating anyone who isn't disabled in some way (particularly visual impairments), because she seems to think no sighted man will respect her views on anything, sex most of all. And in her eyes it's a sinful act, even if you're married. I think she stillwants me even twelve years later, but I know her too well to think that it would actually work, partly because from experience I've developed a policy about not doing the long-distance thing and partly because she's basically using me as a safety net.
As far as this stuff about knowing when you've found the right person, I think Silver Lightning has the right idea. I've been reading this book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris. It's about why teens should abstain from any kind of dating, and of course it's slanted from a Christian viewpoint. I keep putting it down because the stupidity of the views this guy expresses disgust me, but I've read enough of it so far to get a good idea of what our generation is supposed to think about dating. I do intend to finish this book, and the reason I got it from Bookshare in the first place was because I heard a lot about how Christians disapprove of young people dating, but I didn't know how much of that to believe, since I'm an agnostic, and when I did consider myself a Christian, I never heard much about that. Anyway, basically, what he's saying is that you should be ashamed of your attractions, which is a normal part of adolescence. In the first chapter, he was talking about a girl who supposedly had a dream in which she was getting married, and as she stood at the altar, her soon-to-be husband was about to say his vows, when all of a sudden several girls stood up and filed up to him. They formed a line at his side, and when the girl asked why they were there, he said it was because he had given each of them an irretrievable piece of his heart, but that he wanted to give her what was left, because that's all he could offer. We are not even talking sexual purity here, it was strictly emotional. never in my life have I heard of such a ridiculous thing. The book went on to say that it's society's fault that dating has been given a makeover, if you will, and turned into a contest to see how many hearts a young person can break to achieve popularity. I'm paraphrasing, but that's basically what was said. He said that it was the invention of the car and the relaxing of values that came with it that turned dating from something sacred that only occurred when someone was going to get married into this so-called intimacy without commitment.
Where am I going with this? I'm saying that dating may sometimes be selfish, short-term, or destructive, but how can you possibly have a fulfilling life if you don't experience those things? How can you know what you want, need, and like, physically and emotionally, if you forbid yourself the oppurtunity to experience that side of life? I know the person who posted this wasn't asking about it from a Christian point of view, but I can't help but wonder if perhaps that's what's underlying the question he asked. Plus, reading this book sent me on a bit of a rant. I'll end by saying that the second chapter is called "The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Dating" in which the whole concept of intimacy as selfishness is introduced. Oh please. The things some people think...
Wow.....just wow. As a Christian myself I'm extremely disturbed by the whole concept of this book. I think he's got the wrong idea, but I do sort of understand where he got it. Sexuality outside of marriage is generally considered a poor choice from many religious perspectives. But what you're describing here is a very extremist perspective. For instance in my church, we believe in dating once we turn sixteen. Obviously some start earlier. We're also urged to date in a group setting, at least in the beginning. The dating isn't the problem, it's the premature intimacy that leads to accidents that many people have a problem with. Sorry this is a little off-topic. But before people started ragging on Christians again, I thought I'd throw that in there.
The problem that most people forget when they look back and see that dating only happened with someone you were going to marry is the fact that those marriage were arranged. You didn't have to explore to find who you were right for, your father had already picked it, and received the downpayment of sheep. You didn't have to practice, because you never played the game.
These days, practice is necessary. Despite was crackpot christians say. Date, enjoy your youth, make mistakes, get hurt, get up again, and learn. That is the only way you will find the person you are best for.
On the other hand there are times when a person really does find the person they're going to spend their lives with after the first attempt. Case in point: My mother had two highschool friends. They began dating when they were either thirteen or fifteen (I can't remember which). They've now been together for well over twenty years, and to be honest it still looks like they're in the dating phase. This situation is certainly the acception to the rule, but it is possible. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't discount the possability, but don't cut yourself off from the experience of dating and the self-discovery that can come with it.
FireAndRain, I read the exact same book you were talking about way back when I was in high school.
I want to address something in a post a few back...to wit, the candy-store analogy.
By the time you get into that candy store and can choose for yourself, you know what is sweet and what is sour, what is tangy and what is nutty. You know this because, unless you've lived in a newsproof and wordproof bubble all of your life, you will have heard things from other people, seen things before for yourself and, most importantly, you will have formed your own idea of what tastes good. Tastes change, but they are generally something we have an idea of rather early on. To apply this directly to dating: by the time you attempt your first relationship, you probably have a pretty good idea what you're after. In many cases, you're going to be short-sighted, but that's all right, because there's a small chance you won't be. Perhaps you've mulled it over and know yourself well enough to realize what is and is not tasty, so to speak. Perhaps you've watched other people go through it and are intuitive enough to figure it out. One normally does not begin a romantic relationship with a person with whom one has not yet been at least fairly well-acquainted; that being said, it is not at all unacceptable to think that you will have, at the least, a fair idea of what the person is like. You'll have a lot to learn, especially if it's your first, but there is every possibility that you will have read the situation well enough, and gotten lucky enough, to have found your ideal match on your first attempt.
Let me be clear: this does not happen to most, and in general I agree that it should not be expected. I'm arguing only to say that it's possible and should by no means be discounted as absolutely nothing except pure dumb luck. Some people do get lucky, and some people are just really good at both knowing what they want and seeing what they need (or not seeing it and moving on).
VVery well. Well in life, its entirely possible to be doing something you enjoy, and suddenly have someone walk up to you and offer you millions of dollars to do it as a living. It happens to musicians a lot, and actors. So, by your logic, no one should look for a job, because its possible to have one offered to you, and to find the one you enjoy doing most without having to try a few first.
It is not about how old you started to date, is about how mentally mature when you start to date isn't it? Some people, they can start dating when they are let say 13 or 14, changing boy friends/girl friends quicker then changing their underwares, will that consider as healthy dates?
But at the same time, i'm not suggesting you wait to 35 years old, and starting to date either. It comes to what you are prepare, and how well you can cope as well.
No reason to date just because your peers are doing so, or you feel left out because you are consider old enough to date, and get in to a date, or a relationship that is not healthy, or not fruitful.
Cody, that isn't really the point I'm afraid. You can't liken a relationship to a job; one provides a living while the other essentially does not. The psychology governing how one approaches finding work and how one approaches partnership in a romantic sense is different in enough facets thereby to render the comparison moot.
Also, bear in mind what I said. You should not expect to get it right the first time because most don't...but it cannot be said that you've simply gotten lucky if you do. That dismisses all you might know of yourself and your potential partner as luck, and that's an awfully sweeping form of damnation. There may be any number of reasons why one's first relationship works, and only one of them is luck...and even calling it luck is a bit of a stretch, unless we're talking about, say, the first encounter or whatnot.
I started dating back when I was 14 and having sex at 16.
started dating at age 10++. +
I went on my first date when I was 9 or 10. Can't remember. First real girlfriend was at age 13, she was 16. we were together for like a year before she dumped me.
Hmm, I was 11 when a friend of mine who was moving away introduced me to the first boy I called my boyfriend though we didn't meet each other in person till I was 15 or so and by that time we weren't together anymore. We talked for hours and days it seems and neither of us cared if we'd ever meet. We never argued and it was like cruise controll. Ah, the inocense and joys of childhood. My first real boyfriend I had at 13, and my first long term relationship at 17, my longest relationship is my current one which began in 2010.
Wow! interesting stories guys, never thought I'd get this much response. Keep it coming :)
I had my first bf at 14. I met him at the blind school. I have always wanted a serious relationship but I don't feel that the bf's wanted that or the relationships weren't serious enough for me. Though I feel that my current boyfriend and I have a very serious relationship and we're both even talking of marriage down the road.
wow! stop bashing alex, will ya all? You can to a point tell if you are good enough at observations.
lets see, I haven't really dated, and don't plan on marriage until at least after college so that would have to be about six seven years till I am thinking about marrying.
My first, well you wouldn't call it a date, it was like a crush is with this blind guy named Barry at like 14. Dad didn't like him at all. and, he soon went out with someone else named larina I think. and, then, I might have had another crush with someone else, before outrage and you wouldn't really call that dating either.....